i don’t like to mention its name on here— i don’t want to show up on its tag. it’s a very small very liberal school in portland. i adore it in the way that you adore something that simultaneously gives you life and demolishes you.
days filled with more fog that maine could handle. old faces but mine isn’t among them. i used to numb out so i couldn’t feel and then i got too good at evading that brand of nothing. now i fog up so i can’t think. it’s numbness that’s metastasized to my brain. before i couldn’t handle feeling so i stopped feeling. now i can’t handle thinking so i’ve stopped thinking. it’s not even myopia, it’s gluing my eyelids down. the opposite of a clockwork orange. that being said i suppose the colors of the real world only seem really real when i viddy them on the screen. i’m averaging 3.5 movies a day. i think i’m looking for something but i don’t know what i’m looking for, and i don’t know if i’ll know it when i see it.
i’ve considered writing a paragraph soc after every movie, then going back and comparing what i’ve written, just to see if i can find a common theme connecting my reactions to the content.
my mind is silent but i keep chattering. i don’t want to listen. but it’s pleasant when the house is empty or asleep, or at least it is for five minutes until i have to turn on opb lest i explode.
i don’t have to write. i don’t have to produce. the more i rail against this inability, the more unstable i become. it’s not that i want to understand something. it’s that i want to understand. intransitively. no object in mind. the question isn’t ‘what do you want to understand?’ it’s ‘do you want to understand?’ and i think the answer is yes but i can’t seem to convince myself of that fact.
i need a grammar for this miserable fog.
i tell kira that i find even the idea of a romantic relationship to be utterly repulsive right now and she squeezes my knee in what might be concern i guess. i don’t know these things.